Saturday, October 22, 2005

10/22 a bad ending to a stressful day

I don't want any of my pals or family commenting on this post please. Am just venting. Had a stressful 11-hour workday at CSz. But even when it's stressful it's still fun. But it ended crappily with a conversation that was hard to hear. Even worse, we couldn't complete it because customers were coming up. But I wrote it down right away so I'd remember it correctly and am transcribing it from my notes.

After someone said a comment that I thought was hurtful...

Me: Don't be mean to me.
Her: I'm not mean, but number 1, I don't feel well and number 2, you aren't one of my favorite people.
Me: I don't like you either, but I pretend in public and at work.
Her: You pretend? (smile)
after customer...
Her: You have a full-time job, right?
Me: What does that have to do with it?
Her: You have a full-time job, right?
Me: Yes.
Her: You have insurance, right?
Me: (I may be dumb but I see where this is going.) Yes.
Her: So you don't need the money.
Me: I don't tell (the boss) to book me all the time. He just does.
Her: You don't need the money.
Me: Don't take it out on me.
Her: I'm not.
Me: Tell (the boss).
Her: I have.

Then a conversation about how she doesn't trust half of what comes out of my mouth because I distort the truth. I, of course, said I didn't. She said she speaks for others and I kept saying... Speak for yourself. That was hard for her to do, because it's a lot easier to confront someone when you can say "everybody feels this way," or "three other people" or whatever the deal is. But I'm not going to take that from anyone. If you don't like me and think I do or don't do something, then I respect you if you can tell me. But to pull that b.s. of saying you're speaking for others. Nope. I won't tolerate it. And I'm not saying she's lying, by any means. I'm sure one, two, or twelve cronies have agreed with her. That's not the point. The point is that I want to talk to grown-ups when we talk about problems or disagreements. That's the only way things can change.

I've worked there for a year and a half. And in the beginning I made so many errors. And some (many) of those errors were me thinking things were a certain way and stating that, and it turned out that it wasn't right. That wasn't distorting the truth--it was just plain being wrong. Making mistakes.

I'm always so freaking confident. Wish that weren't so. I come across as knowing absolutely what I'm saying is 100% correct, when in fact, most of the time I'm just expressing an opinion. I think that might be part of the problem.

Lying is not my style. Distorting the truth is not my style. Being wrong--well, that's sure my style sometimes.

Anyway, the conversation wasn't appropriate for work, because there was going to be a late show and customers were starting to come around. So I said we'd continue the conversation later. She nodded. Wasn't much either of us could say because there were customers about. I'll continue to be friendly at work. "Pretending." That's what being professional is about. At my regular job I don't get to be snippy with people just because they aren't my favorite folks in the world. I think the same thing applies to this part-time job.

Okay. Venting over. I'll start another note that's much more fun. (After re-reading this note, I think I sound mad. But I'm much more hurt than I am mad. And I hate that. Why would I allow someone I don't even like to hurt me? Why should her opinion even matter at all? Don't know. Maybe 'cause I'm human?)

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